whee!

So much for my pain journal. :-p
Didn't last very long.
I had surgery last Thursday on my neck. They removed 2 lymph nodes that were messed up and sent them for testing. Saturday, my friends Chrissy and Shane drove me up to my parents' house in North Carolina. It was a pretty long, uneventful trip, but we finally got to my parents house. I'm taking things really easy. I go to the holistic medicine specialist on Monday. I'm supposed to have a followup with an ENT here in Sanford right after the surgery, but apparently my drs in Gainesville are taking forever setting up the appointment.

I'm bored, but I feel safe and taken care of.

Oh the things we take for granted.

I was told to keep a health journal, so that's what this is turning into. I have to keep tabs on the weirdness I'm experiencing and the pain so I can keep my doctors informed. I don't really have anything else to write about anyways.

Today's been an "8" day. (0=no pain and 10=the worst pain I've ever had)The pain in the bottom of my right foot is relentless...it's stabbing and throbbing constantly. It's not as bad as yesterday, which isn't saying much considering yesterday was a "10". My right eye keeps giving me problems, jerking around and stabbing bad enough for me to cry out. I hate it when that happens when I'm around people. I hate people seeing me cry and feeling bad for me constantly. Ugh. At least today I don't feel like a moron typing. I seem to have gotten at least some coordination back, at least. Hopefully it lasts.

My hips are hurting so bad it's a wonder I can walk. (If you can call my stumbling and falling actually walking)My fingers aren't as bad as yesterday either. They're still constantly aching, but it's not the sharp, stabbing, lose-my-breath kind of pain. And my back, I don't even know where to start about my back. It feels almost like a really bad kidney infection in my lower back. The kind of pain that makes you want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. My shoulders and upper back are hurting, but not as bad as they normally do, which is a relief. It's mainly my lower back today. My left arm hurts, but that's probably from the TB test. My neck now, that's turning into a constant thing, but I'm realizing that I have a lot to be thankful for... I'm lucid today. I can think pretty clearly. I'm remembering most things, and I'm not at a loss for words as much as normal. I'm not cramping. My stomach's actually not hurting at all, which is unusual, but welcome. Other than my hip, my left leg isn't bad at all. My jaw's hurting hardly at all. I don't have a headache. I was able to have sex with my husband on his birthday, even though I was hurting like crazy all day. I can enjoy the rain. I can enjoy my cats. I could get up and go to the restroom by myself today, and even shower. I can talk. I can breathe without it hurting. I can watch TV to distract myself from the pain. (books aren't that good, because you can't cry and read :-p) I have my Clarence. I'm still alive, and I'm not in the hospital.

We take so much for granted.

when it rains...

I just lost my job.

I'm too sick, too often for them to be able to keep me.
I don't know how we can survive on Clarence's measly salary, especially with my health problems.


I'm so lost.

You said it's time to open my eyes...

I went to the doctor on Friday because my swollen glands and fever that I had just got rid of came back. I expected him to give me more antibiotics and send me on my way. HA. Sara's health being simple?? I THINK NOT.
He's sending me to an ENT because he thinks that there's something more going on with me. It's not a virus. It's not mono, strep or any other bacterial infection. No, he thinks it's Lupus. A few years ago when I first started seeing my rheumatologist for my Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and Bursitis, he was convinced I had Lupis, but the main blood test they do for it (ANA factor) came back negative. There's a bunch of other ways of diagnosing it, but that's one of the first. So he quit looking. Now I have to get a whole panel done...Oh yeah, and I have to get CT scans and xrays of my neck and back to see if I'm going to need surgery on my back, and to find out what's going on in my throat and with my neck muscles. All that from going to the doctor with a fever and swollen glands. Woot. That on top of the MRI that I'm supposed to get this week to find out if I have to get brain surgery, and I'm simply oozing awesome health.

In other news, some of my friends have been having extremely difficult times lately. Being there for them has made me stop thinking so much about how much my life sucks because I'm sick. I feel like I'm doing something. I feel like I was *made* to help people. That's who I am, and I can't really be happy unless that's what I'm doing.

Clarence and Lucinda's birthdays are coming up, and one of my best friends/ex-girlfriend is getting ready to pop any day now. (She's actually due on Clarence's birthday!) Clarence is so amazing to me, and treats me so much better than I think I deserve. I am truly blessed.

I've got a lot going for me. I have a lot to complain about, but I have so much more to be thankful for.

brain...um....what?

Next week I go in for an MRI to see if I have to get brain surgery.

I'm not so excited about this.

This beautiful Fay almost makes me not care how much I hurt. Standing outside in the stinging rain and gusty winds just makes me feel...alive!

*squeee*

oooh boy.

There is so much drama surrounding me right now, and amazingly enough, I'm not the center of it. One of my closest friends just broke up with his girlfriend (it's a really weird situation). No one is happy with him, but a few of his closest friends have just completely shut him out of their lives for it. My best friend is pissed off at me because I am still friends with him. She says I'm an enabler. I don't condone his actions, and I've bitched at him for it. But what am I supposed to do? He'll have to grow up at some point. I'm not going to stop being friends with

If the people I cared about the most cut me out of their lives for messing up, what kind of friends are they?!

Letter to my Shivvverrr

My Dearest Shivvverrr,
You have no idea what it means to me when you curl up on my lap when I'm sick and crying. I don't think I could have gotten through this sickness without you. You always seem to know when I'm having a bad day, and you do your best to cheer me up and make sure I'm okay. I love how you try to protect me when I'm hurting, and how you try to make me get up when I've fallen. I wish everyone with chronic diseases could have a baby like you. You make things seem so much less hopeless, and the pain so much more bearable. I love you, my baby boy.

A changed perspective

So today was horrible. I was in such intense pain that I don't know why I didn't go to the hospital, but I've been missing work so much that I felt obligated to stay there regardless (and I despise hospitals). But after my whining and misery and thinking this was the worst day in a long while (which it was), I realized that I hadn't passed out AT ALL today. Not once. Not even fallen over (or sitting down abruptly as most people see it**). At one point my legs got shaky and I had to hold onto a desk, but that was it.

Yesterday I started taking a higher dose of my Mestinon (my miracle drug) since I've been passing out so much. Mestinon gives me stomach seizures which is some of THE most intense pain I've ever experienced (think contractions during labor here), including the kidney infection where my kidneys almost shut down. This pain is such a small price to pay for being able to walk, and more importantly, THINK!!

So after the realization that I hadn't passed out, my day got amazingly better! Who cares about pain when it's a miracle that you can even REGISTER the pain, that you can think enough to notice that you're hurting??

And then I got to see my Ashley!! I seriously love this girl. Basically focusing on her and her strength got me through my day. She's just had 2 major back surgeries in the span of a month. She also has Dysautonomia like I do (though I have it to a much more intense degree), and she has Degenerate Disc Disease, and a few other lovely things. She is seriously my source of inspiration!


**I learned to cross my legs before I collapse (if I'm coherent enough to think of it while blacking out, though frankly, it's more of an instinct now), so I end up plopping down cross-legged on the floor instead of falling and hurting myself. If you see me do this, I might be passing out, or I might have just collapsed, not being able to hold myself up. Either way, it makes me hurt myself waaaay less**

My Spoons.

I haven't posted in here foreeeever. Clarence and I broke up and got back together. We had/have a lot of issues that we need to work through. There has been this neverending saga of drama that's been surrounding me for the past few months...quite a bit of it that I have created myself. It was really frustrating to realize that I do that.

I ran out of my Spoons today....I hope I haven't used too many of tomorrow's...:(

Army of me

I was really sick last week, and seemingly overnight I got better. It made me really happy. Erica moved in with us! I'm soooo glad to have her back, I've missed her so much! Her boyfriend isn't down from Orlando yet, but he'll be moving in within the month, I think. He has SUPER long hair that makes me miss my long hair. :( At least I can play with his though, hehe. Erica has SO MUCH STUFF. Our huge house is covered in boxes and furniture. It's crazy. We got a dot though, and it's happy.

In other news, my assistant is working out very well. I haven't had to yell at him even once, which, compared to my last 3 assistants is unheard of.

hrm. I think that's all. Nothing really exciting 'cept the new house. Oooh, and the primary tonight. I think Clinton is going to win though, but not by much. It's annoying that she's even still running. Is she that delusional to think she could win??

Silly silly people.

I think I'm drinking a cookie.

Sweet Coconut Thai Chai + Sugar Free Hazelnut Creamer =omgdeliciousness

jsyk.

My Cj is home!!!
And she's pregnant.
I've known this for a while, but thought she was getting an abortion.
I was really torn about it. I'm sooooo not cool with abortion, but I thought she'd been taking really strong drugs before she found out. Turns out she wasn't, and she's gunna keep it. Apparently she kept making appointments to get it done, and every time she went to go, something weird happened. She's still with Dan. Apparently they're going to settle down here in Gainesville, since her mom lives here. I can't imagine them NOT on the road, but I'm happy they're not going to try to travel with a newborn.

This makes me happy.
I think it'll be good for her. :)

Happy

We get the keys to our new house today!!

*happy dance*

So, it's getting close to moving time. And I still haven't started packing... :-p We were supposed to go to Ultra music festival today, but we don't have the money, and I don't have the health for it, but we already took the time off a long while back, so we kept the time off. It's nice just hanging out with Clarence. I keep thinking it's not possible to love him any more than I do, then I surprise myself.

It's Velisha's birthday today. I talked to her yesterday, and I'm sure I'll talk to her again today. I miss her so bad. Blah.

meep

I'm so excited to move! We're moving in a couple of weeks, even though I haven't started packing yet. :-p We took a long weekend off at the end of March, because we were supposed to be going to Ultra Music Festival, but we didn't want to spend the money, and I've been a bit too sick to be able to go. I didn't think I'd be so excited to have a washer and dryer, but I can barely wait to be able to do my laundry in my own house! hehe
Erica and Eric (the couple who we will be rooming with) came to town this weekend, and took me along with them to a brunch on Sunday morning. It was so happy to meet couples like Clarence and I. The obvious love and freedom was refreshing. I'll probably wait until Erica and Eric get back before I go again, just so I don't feel awkward going by myself (Clarence doesn't like to wake up early, and isn't a very social person).

I have a new assistant at work. Thankfully he seems much more competent than my last one. I hope this one works out! :)

Yesterday was probably the best I've felt since Christmas. Thankfully the new meds are working! We move April 1. I'm really excited. Velisha might come visit for her birthday at the end of March! So much happiness. :-D Last night CJ came and pounced on me at around midnight...and I hadn't seen her in months! It was silly, cuz I had called her like an hour before to see how she was, because I missed her. She said she was "heading eastward" to make me think that she was still on the road. :-p
I've discovered that listening to The Wheel of Time on MP3 makes my work day go by soooo much faster...and when I get home, I feel like I've read all day!

Yay!

*SQUEEEE*

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!

No more white flag

Clarence and I were evicted from our townhouse in Bowling Green, KY in 2003. There's no doubt that we were irresponsible for not paying our rent, even though we had raw sewage leaking into our apartment, and were taking our complex to court. But today, we're still paying for losing that case that we were never even given a chance to win. We're trying to find a house for rent. We're not even buying...just renting. AND we're trying to rent with some friends of ours who are, as I like to put it, filthy rich. However, our record doesn't look good, so we're having to fight to be able to even be considered as financially responsible. We have been cosigned for by my filthy rich friend's even more filthy rich mother, and we're STILL not able to be considered responsible for the renting of this place. It's very disheartening, especially considering our spotless rental history since then. Blah. We find out today if my email explaining our situation to the home owner is accepted or not. We have to have a lease signed by Friday, or we will just stay in the apartment that we're currently in. (which isn't a problem, I just really had my sights set on living in this big beautiful house)



In other news, I went to my neurologist 2 weeks ago. When I got there, I ended up seeing his nurse practitioner, instead of my awesome neuro dr. This nurse practitioner was more than rude to me. I couldn't even walk by myself into the room, because my health has been getting progressively worse since the beginning of January. I asked her to prescribe me a new wheelchair, since the one I have is falling apart, and really crappy. She laughed in my face and said "Wheelchairs are for people with actual neurological problems, not just OI" Then she told me they'd just up my dosage of my Mestinon (my miracle drug), and I could wear compression hose (even though I explained to her that ANYTHING covering my feet makes me overheated, and I'll pass out more, which is why I always wear sandals, but she wouldn't listen to me) Anyways, she told me I was overreacting, and I was fine, and there wasn't really anything neurologically wrong with me. So I said fine, took my new script and left.

A week later at about 10pm, I my entire upper body started twitching. I mean, my ENTIRE upper body. I could feel my stomach, colon, throat, tongue doing it. I couldn't see because my eyes were doing it, and I couldn't focus cuz they kept moving on their own. My throat and tongue were doing it, so I kept gagging and vomiting. It lasted about 2 hours. I was scared, but I didn't want to go to the ER, because I despise going to the ER, and I figured I'd be overreacting by going. It was probably just a reaction from upping the Mestinon dose. I told Clarence in my slurring, drunken sounding voice that I'd call my neuro the next day. It ended around midnight, and then I could sleep (even though I kept running back and forth from the bathroom all night).
I left a general message the next day for my dr. I told him what'd happened and that I was sure it was just a reaction from the medication, and that I was fine, even though I was still having some problems with my motor skills, I was ok. I got a frantic call back from the nurse practitioner about 20 minutes later freaking out about my "seizure". I know I shouldn't have been as horrible as I was to her, but I couldn't help but feel a bit vindictive. She yelled at me for not going to the ER, and I came back with, "well, you just told me I have no real neurological problems, so I figured I'd be overreacting as usual" *sigh* It's silly that I feel so petty over something so serious, but it really amused me :-p

And mom, don't freak out, I'm fine now.

The Beginnings of Sarence.

So, after reading my cousins' love stories, I thought I'd post my own on here. It's not very amazing or anything, but it's how my Clarence and I became a Sarence.

Five and a half years ago, I was "dating" this girl named Candace. (It was never officially dating, but we were exclusive) Candace called me crying to say she'd cheated on me. I got extreeeemely angry, and punched a hole in the wall of the house I was living in. Afterwards, when I wasn't seeing red anymore, I realized that I'd left a hole in the wall, and Tim (my brother in law) was gunna kill me. A few weeks before, I had started talking to this random guy who sent me a message from gothicpersonals.com (hahaha, yes, we're cheesy). And one night, a few weeks before the Candace incident, he had IMed me from his best friend Jess' computer, and we learned that his friend lived in the same apartment complex as I did.


The first picture I ever saw of him.


And the picture that made him talk to me.

After the Candace thing, I saw that Jess was online, and started talking to her. I pretty much vented to her and asked if she had any spackling (sp?) to patch up the hole in the wall. She told me she didn't, but that she had Oreos and Buffy was playing, and I shouldn't be alone, so I should come over. So I did. I cried to this random sweet stranger about how horrible life was, and about how the girl I loved didn't love me back and whatnot. That night, I also met Clarence's other best friend, Jason. I went home that night, and talked to Clarence online and told him I'd met his friends. He told me he was jealous, and I should meet up with him the next night, and we'd go out, and he'd try to make me not so sad. So we did.



I don't even really remember my first impression of him. He was sweet. He was fun. Him and I were perfectly comfortable with each other right from the start. The night I met him, he told me I should move with him to Kentucky, since he was planning on going back. So I told him I would, and we giggled about it. That night (it was like 3am, actually) we went to Sonic, because there was nothing else open and walked around Walmart, since it too was one of the only things open. It was fun, and I was glad I'd found an awesome friend.

The next night I was invited back over to Jess' house to drink with Clarence, Jess and Jason. That was the first night in my life I ever got drunk. Soon, Jason and Jess went outside to smoke. Clarence moved in with his oh-so-awesome pickup line, "I know you're a lesbian, but you should make out with me." It worked. I was slightly drunk, upset about my "breakup" and this beautiful person wanted to kiss me. So I did.

The next few days were a blur of me being really emo about Candace, overly excited to see Clarence whenever he got off work and came and picked me up, and filled with dread that he might forget about me, or get bored with me. The Friday after we met we went out, and I fell asleep at like 6am, and had to get up at 8 to go take the test for my GED. So, on 2 hours of sleep I sped through this test that was supposed to take 8 hours, and finished in in about 2 1/2. I couldn't wait to be back with Clarence. (I ended up getting some of the highest scores in GA on everything but math, but I got an above avg on that too) That night, we went to The Black Celebration in Columbia, SC, where I met the "goth scene".



The first picture of us together.


A couple days later, we were laying down, and he had his arms around me, and said "mine." And I said "ok." So started the saga of the Sarence. :-p We've pretty much been attached at the hip ever since.

I knew I loved him about 2 weeks after meeting him.

I love him more now than I thought was humanly possible even a month ago.

We've both grown up a lot, and gained a *cough* bit *cough* of weight. We've been married for almost 3 years now. I love him more every second.

Squishy Heart Syndrome

Whenever I see a movie with cute animals in it, I always squeal and tell Clarence to get me one. The other day I was watching something, and I saw an elephant. I've always loved elephants, so when I see them I'm especially squishy about them.



This Valentines Day, we didn't have any money, so we had plans to stay home and watch a movie and drink some wine. As soon as it hit midnight, and Valentines Day started, Clarence told me Happy Valentines day, and handed me this tiny metal elephant that obviously spent a lot of time making in his metal shop. (He has machines to make big pieces, but he had to carve down the metal, and sand and dremel and such) Then he told me, "you said you wanted an elephant...I can't buy you one, so I made you one." This makes me squishy. Very squishy. (Squishy = feeling loved/ in love/ having lots of affection for)





Every day I'm surprised by the fact that I love him more than the day before. I didn't think that was possible.

Shadows every day

It's so difficult for me to not be totally discouraged when my meds fail me. I had to get out my wheelchair yesterday for the first time in almost a year. My "miracle drug" has started working less and less recently. Friday night Clarence and I got ready and went out to the club and as soon as I got there, I passed out. My Chris sat outside with me and told me funny stories trying to cheer me up and distract me from the fact that I could barely sit up. Someone had to go get Clarence for me, and we left about 20 minutes after getting there. I had to be carried to the car, and I was in and out of consciousness for about 2 hours after that...even laying down!! (this is practically unheard of) I always feel like such a burden on Clarence when I'm like that. It's been a while since he's had to deal with it, but I know it frustrates him to not ever be able to get out of the house and have fun when I'm sick.

Yesterday I was supposed to go into work, but I still couldn't walk, so Lucinda and Clarence dragged my wheelchair out and took me to the butterfly exhibit at the museum of natural history that's right around the corner from my house. It was lovely, actually. Yesterday was a perfect day. After the museum, they took me on a picnic out to this park on the edge of town, where we saw some friends of ours (and my assistant from work!) LARPing. It was horribly amusing to witness, actually. Seeing a group of grown men walk out of the woods towards you dressed in armor, pirate outfits (complete with eyepatch), and assorted other geek-gear is extremely amusing. My assistant extremely embarrassed that I had seen him in his bright blue leather armor.

Clarence and Lucinda decided to go to Jacksonville last night to a couple of clubs there. I had to do some convincing to get Clarence to go, as he's always loathe to leave me when I'm sick (or any time, actually), but I had my friends come over and play scrabble with me and watch the Primaries, so it was ok.

I don't know, I'm glad I have friends who help me when my body is stupid, but it is really frustrating to not be able to walk to go to the bathroom, or get up whenever I want to get a drink.

I'm so glad I have Clarence though.

This un-fairy tale

I've been talking to my friend online for a while now. (and yes, we're friends irl too) But she's very sick. I mean, very very very sick, like, I don't know how she functions. She's been diagnosed with Dysautonomia as well (except hers is high HR and BP, where as mine is High HR and LOW BP), but she's also has a chronic pain disease (not the same as mine :-p), PCOS and a few other lovely choice diseases to make one's living miserable. She is the strongest person I know. She seems to never let it get her down! She works full time, goes to SCHOOL full time, and volunteers for places.

Today, I've been talking to her online, and she's talking about suicide. This is something that I'm torn about. I know that last year, when my health was at it's worst, I wanted to kill myself SO desperately, that I almost did. The only thing stopping me was the people I left behind would be even MORE hurt and upset by that than by my being a burden on them.

As most people know, I'm a suicide advocate. I know it's controversial, and may sound silly, but I think that people should be able to kill themselves if they've exhausted every other option, have made the decision in a non-emotional state, and have no children. This is difficult for me to deal with. I love my friend, and I know that this is a really difficult decision. It's just...breaking my heart that I can't do anything for her. I've even suggested God. Faith gives people hope. People with hope want to live regardless of how hopeless the situation is.

You're gunna get tired

Of all the pictures I post of my love.
But that's just too bad. :-p




And just because...



Hehe, Wynterrr's so cute.

Super Tuesday

Is it sad that I'm so nervous about all the primaries today?
Ooooh, I hope Obama wins the Democratic Election. If Clinton wins, I might have to vote Republican. :-p (Doubt I actually would though)

Stay with me, safe and ignorant...go back to sleep.

Some days, I hate my body's weaknesses so much I want to curl up in a little ball and cease to exist.

Today is one of those days.

I keep repeating my favorite quote.
"There comes a time when you have to decide if you're a diseased person, or a person with disease."

Sometimes it's hard not to feel like a diseased person.


Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
Needy hole please release me

my favorite.

Public Service Announcement.

Fat people are harder to kidnap...or, as Clarence would type..."kidkap".

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

Throw it all away.

I am going through painkiller withdrawals.

I've been on painkillers for the past couple years off and on for my kidney/FM/TMJ pain. I've been through withdrawals once. I swore I'd never let myself take painkillers so often that I'd go through that again. I know there's a difference between dependency and addiction in people with chronic pain, but it all feels the same to me. I'd much rather deal with the ridiculous pain than deal with this emotionally devastating low. So right now I get to deal with the ridiculous pain and the emotionally devastating low. How thrilling.

Thankfully the pills I've been on aren't nearly as strong as the ones I had withdrawals from before. Otherwise this'd be much worse.

It seems like right now is just a really overwhelming emotional time for me. I know the withdrawals are compounding what's already there...and I know I shouldn't be stunned by my overly emotional nature, but I am.

Velisha's best friend has been contacting me a lot. Apparently Velisha is still being self destructive (what's new?) but she's trying to grow up as well, which is nice. I miss her so much.

Oh yeah, and my assistant decided not to show up to work today. Yes, this would be at least the 3rd no call, no show that he's had. I was a bit harsh with him on Friday, since the only thing that he HAS to do on a constant basis is count the inventory and input the numbers in the system...but somehow at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon, he came in my office and told me we were completely out of one of our heavy movers. The computer said we had 400, so I have to rush ship this part, because he isn't doing his job properly. I was pretty mean, and I apologized later. It was the 2nd time I had to yell at him on Friday. He had this idea that he should call ALL of our vendors (there are over 500) and get catalogs for all of them, so he could input the vendor part #s (another thing that he screwed up in my system). He talked to my boss about it, and bossman told him it'd be a waste of time, just to go through our system and get them, since we have them all in our old program. He then went outside and told my receptionist that "Joe told me not to do this, but I'm gunna do it anyways" RIGHT IN FRONT OF JOE. Bah. No one should be so comfortable with their job that they're blatantly disrespectful to anyone they work with, much less a boss. So, I called him in and chewed him out for that...then later freaked out on him for not doing his job.

I'm just...overwhelmed by emotional distress, physical pain, stress with work.
Sometimes I don't think it's fair that I'm so understanding about people's weaknesses. I remember being a little kid, and the girls in my class would always be mean to me if there was anyone else around, but as soon as they had a problem, they'd come talk to me, and know that I'd help them with it. I remember writing in my journal that it sucked that they were embarrassed to be my friend, but I understood that they were just really susceptible to peer pressure. I still deal with the same thing, to a different degree. My best friend Lilith is easily controllable. She is dating a guy who cheated on her, and then broke up with her because his family didn't like the fact that he was black, and would disown him if he married her. Since he didn't see the point in dating if they weren't going to get married, he broke up with her. (So he says) In reality, he was cheating on her, and used that as an excuse to break up with her without it being *his* fault. She's now back with him. He won't let her talk to me. And I understand.

It sucks that I don't have an excuse to be angry about this. I understand that this is just the way she is. I really want to be angry and upset at her, but I can't. Her boy, however... Blah.

Idk.

Breathe Me.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
~Sia

wow, that was a really long post.

I can see the cracks in this fine social scene.

Barack Obama won South Carolina! I'm so happy about this. I had no doubt he would, but it was such a HUGE victory over Hillary that I couldn't help but be a bit excited. Four years ago about 293,000 Democrats voted in the state’s primary: Saturday Obama alone got more than that number of votes.

I think I've successfully convinced quite a few of my friends that Hillary would be a BAD VOTE. Do we want someone who was on the board of WalMart to run our country? WALMART?! One of the most evil corporations in America today? Now, like everyone else, I shop at Walmart out of necessity, but c'mon. Slave labor? Poor working conditions for their employess? I think not. The fact that she's a woman should NOT be a deciding factor for the white female voters. Oh, and thanks, Hillary, for proving a point for all the sexist pigs in the country by crying on camera. Yeah, we'd certainly want the leader of the free world to be overly emotional and hormonally driven with access to nukes. Thanks a bunch.

Now, of course, I don't agree with Obama on some of his stances (partial birth abortion, anti-gay marriage), but for the most part, he's pretty much what I'd want to vote into office.

Bah. It's 6:06 and I'm at WORK, on a SUNDAY. Grrrr.

I need a couple new assistants. This time, people I don't know and will feel more comfortable yelling at when I need to. :-p

Help, I have done it again...

Sometimes I miss her so bad it hurts.

love...or syncope...?

swoon /swun/
–verb (used without object)
1. to faint; lose consciousness.
2. to enter a state of hysterical rapture or ecstasy: The teenagers swooned at the sight of the singing star.
–noun
3. a faint or fainting fit; syncope.


I came home from visiting friends last night, and Clarence had bought me roses and chocolate, and made me dinner. I mean, he makes me dinner like, every night just about, but he still makes me swoon. *The type of swooning that's NOT part of my disease. :-p*

Everything's zen? I don't think so...

So, because of the car accident, I've missed a fair amount of work. (The pay is all being covered by insurance, thankfully) But believe me, the work has PILED up while I was gone. I have a 6 page report that has a list of things I need to order in order to keep us ahead of the game. This list is compiled by my assistant, who actually works on the floor doing inventory control and inputting his numbers into the computer daily. He's not always that busy, so when he's not doing that, he goes through and updates vendor part #'s, costs, and reorder points (which go onto my report and how I know when to order what I need to). I brought this report home today after work so I could keep working on it, since I'm so behind. While I'm looking at this report, I notice that over HALF of the entries are completely incorrect. Like, the part # says it's cable, but the Vendor part # says it's a hula hoop. well, not really a hula hoop, but something just as completely different...though I guess you could make a hula hoop out of cable...but I digress.) I'm practically gaping at this report and trying to figure out how it could have been so MASSIVELY screwed up. This could have cost us literally 100's of thousands of dollars if I didn't just catch this. UGH. I'm extremely frustrated. I need to have a stern talking to with my assistant, and implore my boss to give me another few days to get this all back on track. (He's MY assistant, so he's MY responsibility)
Uuuugh.

*cry*

strange

I love my job. No, seriously, I love my job, and I must say I'm pretty good at it.
I actually get a thrill when I talk a vendor down to my target price or better.
For example, I just was on a mission to order a part that normally sells for $30.00 a piece. I Called place after place, and they all gave me the same story. At least 30/each with a minimum buy of 500-1000 pcs (I only wanted 5!!). Oh yeah, and with at least a TEN WEEK lead time!! (which is more than absolutely ridiculous) At the end of my 2 hour search I got down from 30 with 500 minimum, to the $7.50 with no minimum, 3 day lead time. I know it's silly, but it's quite satisfying. Not quite as satisfying as finding a 2000.00 breaker for 200, but when I only have 2000$ left for the rest of the month (and that's about how much I spend a day!)every penny counts.

Whee!

Ok, I'm a nerd, I know.

Ah, this life...

So tonight, while making a beer/lasagna run, my friend January (who is normally the most conscientious of drivers) chose to do something stupid. She did an illegal Uturn, and we got t-boned by another driver (on January's side). She was so upset that she "broke her Sara" (my back and neck were pretty obviously messed up) she was barely holding it together to do the insurance exchange and talk to the cop who came to help us (who was amazingly congenial and helpful *and pretty :-p*). Ugh, she NEEDED to go to the ER. She worries me. The one thing I'm the most upset about, other than January NOT going to the hospital, is that I can't wear my nipple rings anymore!! Somehow in the hours that I was in the hospital, they managed to close up 2 1/2 years worth of being NOT CLOSED. bah. Hahah, I'm soo glad that, even though I'm ridiculously sore, and had to spend stupid amounts of time in the ER, I'm fine. January's fine(supposedly). The adorable South American boy who hit us is fine.

aaanyways. Yeah.
Gunna go play puzzle quest on the Wii and wait for the lasagna to finish cooking. Can't sleep cuz I have a concussion, so I'll challenge Clarence, and beat him with puzzly (IF I SAY IT'S A WORD, IT'S A WORD. GOT IT?!) DOOOOm.

Have you got it in you?

So, I missed the Dr. Kevorkian speech. Apparently it was absolutely ridiculous. But, I guess if someone paid me a 50,000$ to talk to a bunch of kids right after I got out of prison, I wouldn't care if what I said made sense either. :-p The more I'm finding out about this man, the more I'm realizing just what a whack-job he really is. lol. I guess if we want someone to head the "legalize assisted suicide" campaign, it'll have to be someone with, oh, how shall we say...a smaller amount of psychosis. Haha, I doubt this man will help the cause. I hope we can find someone better to lead this campaign! I guess that just goes to show that you should do research for everything yourself! Aah, C'est la Vie.

So last night, instead of going to Dr. Kevorkian (500 tickets were gone in 10 minutes!!And we were RIGHT THERE in line *sigh*), Chris and I stayed home, played scrabble and attempted to watch the Michigan Primary. This was a joke as well. The absolute obvious CNN bias amused me greatly. The Democrats were punishing Michigan for moving their primary up, so it was basically just a Republican primary. (Though Hilary decided to ignore that...apparently she doesn't feel the need to stick with her party, as long as she wins.) Whatever.
The snide comments about the conservative party and the obvious we-could-care-less-about-these-morons- but-we-still-have-to-report-on-them attitude were probably just as amusing as going to see Dr. Kevorkian make his 14 comparisons of the US to Nazi Germany and telling everyone that the only way to get the US back to its constitutional principles is for black people to take over the government.

I just spilled chai tea down into the front of my shirt.
I'm brilliant.
Yes, I am.
hehe

controversial...

Dr. Kevorkian speaks at UF tomorrow.

I'm excited!

Blow it all away...

It's difficult not to be disheartened when my body fails me.
It's been a pretty good run though. I mean, it's almost been, what, a year since I started the new meds and could walk again? It's still depressing when they stop working the way they're supposed to. Blah. I don't want to have to go through the process of trying to find something that works again.

At least I have my Clarence, and my kitties, who are currently wrapped around each other to look like a yin yang. <3 And I'm glad I can work at home when I don't have the strength to go to work.

Edit: I guess when I start being depressed about how crappy my life is, something always happens to show me that I actually have a lot to be thankful for.

I adore.

detofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: I loooves you
[11:31] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: geez
[11:31] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: I can't stop thinking about you
[11:31] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: haha
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: It's like I have a horrible crush
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo:
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: crazy
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON YOUR SPOUSE
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: SUPPOSD TO NOT LIKE AND FIGHT ALL THE TIME WITH
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo:
[11:32] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: <3
[11:33] Clarence: Indeed.
[11:33] Clarence: We're doing it all wrong :-/
[11:33] odetofantasy@gmail.com/Meebo: hahaha



I drink too much chai. :-p

squishy

Clarence makes me squishy. He bought me a deluxe scrabble game for Christmas, and he just sat and played two games with me, because he knows I love it. I'm seriously the most blessed woman ever to have him as my own. He makes me dinner every night and serves it to me. He writes me songs. He randomly buys me small things he thinks I'll like (like orange milano cookies *drool*). He'll wake me up on the weekends, even though he HATES to wake up, just so I can take my pills on time. Oh, AND he's the most beautiful guy ever. The longer I'm with him, the more I absolutely adore him. Most people wonder how we can work together and still stand each other. But the truth is, the more I'm around him, the more I WANT to be around him.



Aaaaanyways, I've been working too much. It's nice that we're picking up business, but since one of my assistants got fired, it's been a bit more difficult to stay on top of things, though I must admit that I'm much less stressed out because of it. My other assistant has been like....nonexistent for the past week or so. It's really frustrating. But oh well. I can look forward to the fact that I'm going to Vegas for a week in June for a trade show.

Btw, Sia is amazing.

New Blog

I've had numerous blogs over time. I still have my LJ that I post in, but it's not really family friendly, and since I have lots of family on this blog, I thought I'd start one here. So um. Hi!
I'm sooooo glad my boss is back. It really sucked having to do his job and mine. It's Elvis' birthday today (which is normally a paid holiday) but Clarence and I opted to take Martin Luther King Day, since we pretty much just had 2 weeks in a row of holidays. But it's kinda nice, cuz there's no one in the office 'cept me and one of the sales guys (not the obnoxious one :-p)

It's really kinda depressing that my meds have started to not work as well as they used to. I'll probably still wait another week or so to make sure it's them that's not working, instead of me just not taking my pills on time. (It's so hard for me to remember when I'm not at work, where I have popup reminders!)

I've been talking to Velisha a lot lately. She's like...the girl love of my life. For the longest time after she left us I was devistated...but now I just want her to be happy and successful. I hate when people I love are going through difficult times, and there's nothing I can do about it. Bah.

Anyways, I have a lunch meeting, and probably should be working... Oooh, tonights the NH Caucus. :)