Throw it all away.

I am going through painkiller withdrawals.

I've been on painkillers for the past couple years off and on for my kidney/FM/TMJ pain. I've been through withdrawals once. I swore I'd never let myself take painkillers so often that I'd go through that again. I know there's a difference between dependency and addiction in people with chronic pain, but it all feels the same to me. I'd much rather deal with the ridiculous pain than deal with this emotionally devastating low. So right now I get to deal with the ridiculous pain and the emotionally devastating low. How thrilling.

Thankfully the pills I've been on aren't nearly as strong as the ones I had withdrawals from before. Otherwise this'd be much worse.

It seems like right now is just a really overwhelming emotional time for me. I know the withdrawals are compounding what's already there...and I know I shouldn't be stunned by my overly emotional nature, but I am.

Velisha's best friend has been contacting me a lot. Apparently Velisha is still being self destructive (what's new?) but she's trying to grow up as well, which is nice. I miss her so much.

Oh yeah, and my assistant decided not to show up to work today. Yes, this would be at least the 3rd no call, no show that he's had. I was a bit harsh with him on Friday, since the only thing that he HAS to do on a constant basis is count the inventory and input the numbers in the system...but somehow at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon, he came in my office and told me we were completely out of one of our heavy movers. The computer said we had 400, so I have to rush ship this part, because he isn't doing his job properly. I was pretty mean, and I apologized later. It was the 2nd time I had to yell at him on Friday. He had this idea that he should call ALL of our vendors (there are over 500) and get catalogs for all of them, so he could input the vendor part #s (another thing that he screwed up in my system). He talked to my boss about it, and bossman told him it'd be a waste of time, just to go through our system and get them, since we have them all in our old program. He then went outside and told my receptionist that "Joe told me not to do this, but I'm gunna do it anyways" RIGHT IN FRONT OF JOE. Bah. No one should be so comfortable with their job that they're blatantly disrespectful to anyone they work with, much less a boss. So, I called him in and chewed him out for that...then later freaked out on him for not doing his job.

I'm just...overwhelmed by emotional distress, physical pain, stress with work.
Sometimes I don't think it's fair that I'm so understanding about people's weaknesses. I remember being a little kid, and the girls in my class would always be mean to me if there was anyone else around, but as soon as they had a problem, they'd come talk to me, and know that I'd help them with it. I remember writing in my journal that it sucked that they were embarrassed to be my friend, but I understood that they were just really susceptible to peer pressure. I still deal with the same thing, to a different degree. My best friend Lilith is easily controllable. She is dating a guy who cheated on her, and then broke up with her because his family didn't like the fact that he was black, and would disown him if he married her. Since he didn't see the point in dating if they weren't going to get married, he broke up with her. (So he says) In reality, he was cheating on her, and used that as an excuse to break up with her without it being *his* fault. She's now back with him. He won't let her talk to me. And I understand.

It sucks that I don't have an excuse to be angry about this. I understand that this is just the way she is. I really want to be angry and upset at her, but I can't. Her boy, however... Blah.

Idk.

Breathe Me.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
~Sia

wow, that was a really long post.