*SQUEEEE*

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!

No more white flag

Clarence and I were evicted from our townhouse in Bowling Green, KY in 2003. There's no doubt that we were irresponsible for not paying our rent, even though we had raw sewage leaking into our apartment, and were taking our complex to court. But today, we're still paying for losing that case that we were never even given a chance to win. We're trying to find a house for rent. We're not even buying...just renting. AND we're trying to rent with some friends of ours who are, as I like to put it, filthy rich. However, our record doesn't look good, so we're having to fight to be able to even be considered as financially responsible. We have been cosigned for by my filthy rich friend's even more filthy rich mother, and we're STILL not able to be considered responsible for the renting of this place. It's very disheartening, especially considering our spotless rental history since then. Blah. We find out today if my email explaining our situation to the home owner is accepted or not. We have to have a lease signed by Friday, or we will just stay in the apartment that we're currently in. (which isn't a problem, I just really had my sights set on living in this big beautiful house)



In other news, I went to my neurologist 2 weeks ago. When I got there, I ended up seeing his nurse practitioner, instead of my awesome neuro dr. This nurse practitioner was more than rude to me. I couldn't even walk by myself into the room, because my health has been getting progressively worse since the beginning of January. I asked her to prescribe me a new wheelchair, since the one I have is falling apart, and really crappy. She laughed in my face and said "Wheelchairs are for people with actual neurological problems, not just OI" Then she told me they'd just up my dosage of my Mestinon (my miracle drug), and I could wear compression hose (even though I explained to her that ANYTHING covering my feet makes me overheated, and I'll pass out more, which is why I always wear sandals, but she wouldn't listen to me) Anyways, she told me I was overreacting, and I was fine, and there wasn't really anything neurologically wrong with me. So I said fine, took my new script and left.

A week later at about 10pm, I my entire upper body started twitching. I mean, my ENTIRE upper body. I could feel my stomach, colon, throat, tongue doing it. I couldn't see because my eyes were doing it, and I couldn't focus cuz they kept moving on their own. My throat and tongue were doing it, so I kept gagging and vomiting. It lasted about 2 hours. I was scared, but I didn't want to go to the ER, because I despise going to the ER, and I figured I'd be overreacting by going. It was probably just a reaction from upping the Mestinon dose. I told Clarence in my slurring, drunken sounding voice that I'd call my neuro the next day. It ended around midnight, and then I could sleep (even though I kept running back and forth from the bathroom all night).
I left a general message the next day for my dr. I told him what'd happened and that I was sure it was just a reaction from the medication, and that I was fine, even though I was still having some problems with my motor skills, I was ok. I got a frantic call back from the nurse practitioner about 20 minutes later freaking out about my "seizure". I know I shouldn't have been as horrible as I was to her, but I couldn't help but feel a bit vindictive. She yelled at me for not going to the ER, and I came back with, "well, you just told me I have no real neurological problems, so I figured I'd be overreacting as usual" *sigh* It's silly that I feel so petty over something so serious, but it really amused me :-p

And mom, don't freak out, I'm fine now.

The Beginnings of Sarence.

So, after reading my cousins' love stories, I thought I'd post my own on here. It's not very amazing or anything, but it's how my Clarence and I became a Sarence.

Five and a half years ago, I was "dating" this girl named Candace. (It was never officially dating, but we were exclusive) Candace called me crying to say she'd cheated on me. I got extreeeemely angry, and punched a hole in the wall of the house I was living in. Afterwards, when I wasn't seeing red anymore, I realized that I'd left a hole in the wall, and Tim (my brother in law) was gunna kill me. A few weeks before, I had started talking to this random guy who sent me a message from gothicpersonals.com (hahaha, yes, we're cheesy). And one night, a few weeks before the Candace incident, he had IMed me from his best friend Jess' computer, and we learned that his friend lived in the same apartment complex as I did.


The first picture I ever saw of him.


And the picture that made him talk to me.

After the Candace thing, I saw that Jess was online, and started talking to her. I pretty much vented to her and asked if she had any spackling (sp?) to patch up the hole in the wall. She told me she didn't, but that she had Oreos and Buffy was playing, and I shouldn't be alone, so I should come over. So I did. I cried to this random sweet stranger about how horrible life was, and about how the girl I loved didn't love me back and whatnot. That night, I also met Clarence's other best friend, Jason. I went home that night, and talked to Clarence online and told him I'd met his friends. He told me he was jealous, and I should meet up with him the next night, and we'd go out, and he'd try to make me not so sad. So we did.



I don't even really remember my first impression of him. He was sweet. He was fun. Him and I were perfectly comfortable with each other right from the start. The night I met him, he told me I should move with him to Kentucky, since he was planning on going back. So I told him I would, and we giggled about it. That night (it was like 3am, actually) we went to Sonic, because there was nothing else open and walked around Walmart, since it too was one of the only things open. It was fun, and I was glad I'd found an awesome friend.

The next night I was invited back over to Jess' house to drink with Clarence, Jess and Jason. That was the first night in my life I ever got drunk. Soon, Jason and Jess went outside to smoke. Clarence moved in with his oh-so-awesome pickup line, "I know you're a lesbian, but you should make out with me." It worked. I was slightly drunk, upset about my "breakup" and this beautiful person wanted to kiss me. So I did.

The next few days were a blur of me being really emo about Candace, overly excited to see Clarence whenever he got off work and came and picked me up, and filled with dread that he might forget about me, or get bored with me. The Friday after we met we went out, and I fell asleep at like 6am, and had to get up at 8 to go take the test for my GED. So, on 2 hours of sleep I sped through this test that was supposed to take 8 hours, and finished in in about 2 1/2. I couldn't wait to be back with Clarence. (I ended up getting some of the highest scores in GA on everything but math, but I got an above avg on that too) That night, we went to The Black Celebration in Columbia, SC, where I met the "goth scene".



The first picture of us together.


A couple days later, we were laying down, and he had his arms around me, and said "mine." And I said "ok." So started the saga of the Sarence. :-p We've pretty much been attached at the hip ever since.

I knew I loved him about 2 weeks after meeting him.

I love him more now than I thought was humanly possible even a month ago.

We've both grown up a lot, and gained a *cough* bit *cough* of weight. We've been married for almost 3 years now. I love him more every second.

Squishy Heart Syndrome

Whenever I see a movie with cute animals in it, I always squeal and tell Clarence to get me one. The other day I was watching something, and I saw an elephant. I've always loved elephants, so when I see them I'm especially squishy about them.



This Valentines Day, we didn't have any money, so we had plans to stay home and watch a movie and drink some wine. As soon as it hit midnight, and Valentines Day started, Clarence told me Happy Valentines day, and handed me this tiny metal elephant that obviously spent a lot of time making in his metal shop. (He has machines to make big pieces, but he had to carve down the metal, and sand and dremel and such) Then he told me, "you said you wanted an elephant...I can't buy you one, so I made you one." This makes me squishy. Very squishy. (Squishy = feeling loved/ in love/ having lots of affection for)





Every day I'm surprised by the fact that I love him more than the day before. I didn't think that was possible.

Shadows every day

It's so difficult for me to not be totally discouraged when my meds fail me. I had to get out my wheelchair yesterday for the first time in almost a year. My "miracle drug" has started working less and less recently. Friday night Clarence and I got ready and went out to the club and as soon as I got there, I passed out. My Chris sat outside with me and told me funny stories trying to cheer me up and distract me from the fact that I could barely sit up. Someone had to go get Clarence for me, and we left about 20 minutes after getting there. I had to be carried to the car, and I was in and out of consciousness for about 2 hours after that...even laying down!! (this is practically unheard of) I always feel like such a burden on Clarence when I'm like that. It's been a while since he's had to deal with it, but I know it frustrates him to not ever be able to get out of the house and have fun when I'm sick.

Yesterday I was supposed to go into work, but I still couldn't walk, so Lucinda and Clarence dragged my wheelchair out and took me to the butterfly exhibit at the museum of natural history that's right around the corner from my house. It was lovely, actually. Yesterday was a perfect day. After the museum, they took me on a picnic out to this park on the edge of town, where we saw some friends of ours (and my assistant from work!) LARPing. It was horribly amusing to witness, actually. Seeing a group of grown men walk out of the woods towards you dressed in armor, pirate outfits (complete with eyepatch), and assorted other geek-gear is extremely amusing. My assistant extremely embarrassed that I had seen him in his bright blue leather armor.

Clarence and Lucinda decided to go to Jacksonville last night to a couple of clubs there. I had to do some convincing to get Clarence to go, as he's always loathe to leave me when I'm sick (or any time, actually), but I had my friends come over and play scrabble with me and watch the Primaries, so it was ok.

I don't know, I'm glad I have friends who help me when my body is stupid, but it is really frustrating to not be able to walk to go to the bathroom, or get up whenever I want to get a drink.

I'm so glad I have Clarence though.

This un-fairy tale

I've been talking to my friend online for a while now. (and yes, we're friends irl too) But she's very sick. I mean, very very very sick, like, I don't know how she functions. She's been diagnosed with Dysautonomia as well (except hers is high HR and BP, where as mine is High HR and LOW BP), but she's also has a chronic pain disease (not the same as mine :-p), PCOS and a few other lovely choice diseases to make one's living miserable. She is the strongest person I know. She seems to never let it get her down! She works full time, goes to SCHOOL full time, and volunteers for places.

Today, I've been talking to her online, and she's talking about suicide. This is something that I'm torn about. I know that last year, when my health was at it's worst, I wanted to kill myself SO desperately, that I almost did. The only thing stopping me was the people I left behind would be even MORE hurt and upset by that than by my being a burden on them.

As most people know, I'm a suicide advocate. I know it's controversial, and may sound silly, but I think that people should be able to kill themselves if they've exhausted every other option, have made the decision in a non-emotional state, and have no children. This is difficult for me to deal with. I love my friend, and I know that this is a really difficult decision. It's just...breaking my heart that I can't do anything for her. I've even suggested God. Faith gives people hope. People with hope want to live regardless of how hopeless the situation is.

You're gunna get tired

Of all the pictures I post of my love.
But that's just too bad. :-p




And just because...



Hehe, Wynterrr's so cute.

Super Tuesday

Is it sad that I'm so nervous about all the primaries today?
Ooooh, I hope Obama wins the Democratic Election. If Clinton wins, I might have to vote Republican. :-p (Doubt I actually would though)

Stay with me, safe and ignorant...go back to sleep.

Some days, I hate my body's weaknesses so much I want to curl up in a little ball and cease to exist.

Today is one of those days.

I keep repeating my favorite quote.
"There comes a time when you have to decide if you're a diseased person, or a person with disease."

Sometimes it's hard not to feel like a diseased person.


Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another
Needy hole please release me