A changed perspective

So today was horrible. I was in such intense pain that I don't know why I didn't go to the hospital, but I've been missing work so much that I felt obligated to stay there regardless (and I despise hospitals). But after my whining and misery and thinking this was the worst day in a long while (which it was), I realized that I hadn't passed out AT ALL today. Not once. Not even fallen over (or sitting down abruptly as most people see it**). At one point my legs got shaky and I had to hold onto a desk, but that was it.

Yesterday I started taking a higher dose of my Mestinon (my miracle drug) since I've been passing out so much. Mestinon gives me stomach seizures which is some of THE most intense pain I've ever experienced (think contractions during labor here), including the kidney infection where my kidneys almost shut down. This pain is such a small price to pay for being able to walk, and more importantly, THINK!!

So after the realization that I hadn't passed out, my day got amazingly better! Who cares about pain when it's a miracle that you can even REGISTER the pain, that you can think enough to notice that you're hurting??

And then I got to see my Ashley!! I seriously love this girl. Basically focusing on her and her strength got me through my day. She's just had 2 major back surgeries in the span of a month. She also has Dysautonomia like I do (though I have it to a much more intense degree), and she has Degenerate Disc Disease, and a few other lovely things. She is seriously my source of inspiration!


**I learned to cross my legs before I collapse (if I'm coherent enough to think of it while blacking out, though frankly, it's more of an instinct now), so I end up plopping down cross-legged on the floor instead of falling and hurting myself. If you see me do this, I might be passing out, or I might have just collapsed, not being able to hold myself up. Either way, it makes me hurt myself waaaay less**